woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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