Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Randomize
