What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
