I feel great
I just peed on a car
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
