If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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