I'm drive I can fine osifer
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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