You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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