alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
