hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
