I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize