omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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