my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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