Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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