just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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