Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
