why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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