I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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