She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
