i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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