in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
