my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Be still, my beating vagina.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
