Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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