I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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