Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize