He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
