you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
