What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize