And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
