I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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