We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just threw up on my dentist
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
