the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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