I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
