If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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