Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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