hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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