12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
