My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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