the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
