Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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