I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
