If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
