i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
last night I used snow as a chaser
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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