Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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