So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize