So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
