this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
