If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
