I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
