Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
