Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
