There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
