I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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