I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
