Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
