Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
