Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
