I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
