I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
