Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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