I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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